Choose – Life or Death

Well, here is one for the journal.. This just happened so I wanted to journal it while it’s fresh. I’m going to cut to the chase here while everything is in the noggin’.

Well… this is hard to admit but that’s just the pride of life stopping me. Concerned about how I’m viewed by the world, how people gossip, take things out of context, etc.. Who cares, I have an audience of One, I’m interested in what He says. He says to share these things so here you go, for someone’s benefit..

Anyways… the sin is drugs. A while ago I was talking to a man and asked if he had any vices. He said drinking and then mentioned a drug that I had tried 28+ years ago. Sinful me said, “O wow, if you ever get any I wouldn’t mind trying it again!” Sigh…. this makes me weep and tremble typing it… please don’t judge, I’m fully aware that I have a greater One that I must answer to on these things….

This was months ago. Well, I’ve let that type of thinking go, but a few days ago, it showed up at my door. Man, I want to throw up right now. This is very hard to do… Anyways… I tried a small sample. During the sampling, I’m in a struggle between right and wrong, and I didn’t choose life, I chose death. I was extremely convicted, and so it sat where it sat for the last few days. But it wasn’t just the conviction that had me refraining, I was hearing and sensing nothing but death.

When I tried this, it was indeed a small sample because I wanted to be safe, but of course that’s the devil’s way of convincing us to dabble. This small sample made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack. It surely was not safe. For the last 3 days, this has been going through my head repeatedly every time I walked by it.. Many times, “You’re going to die. Fentanyl.” Can anyone guess what the sinful nature said? “Surely you won’t die….” For 3 days I’ve been battling with this, struggling between dumping it and doing more.

I’ve been focused on the sin in my life and repenting. Confessing sins, praying again, reading the Word, etc. Doing the things that I need to do for the strength to get me through. The timing of this showing up was bad (or good?). I guess bad for me, good for the lesson and good for a friend. I don’t know, depends how you look at it. It was a huge struggle because repentance is where my mind is at and here is the temptation on my counter, walking by it every day. My flesh wanted it bad, but I kept thinking death and fentanyl. Earlier today, I had a passing thought of getting up, grabbing it, and immediately dumping it. The source was repentance and the constant nagging inside that this is going to kill me. Of course, the flesh spoke too.. “Surely you won’t die”, and it didn’t happen.

Well, about an hour ago now, I got hit up on Facebook by an old friend. A friend I haven’t seen in about, um, 28 years or so. She’s not a drug user, she’s from the town I grew up in. She proceeded to catch me up on her life and her first words were, “My son died 4 years ago..” :( Within me, I knew what this was. I guess the spidey senses went off? I knew within me that a testimony was happening… Don’t know how/why.. but as she continued to catch me up on her life, I zero’d in on what she said about her son because I knew that’s where I needed to go.. I knew in me it was drugs. I knew in me it was fentanyl. I knew my Savior’s voice, I just knew. I almost blurted out, “Don’t tell me, drugs? Fentanyl?” She proceeded to tell me that her son died from Fentanyl….. man. man..man.

Needless to say, we both praised God. She had something to thank God for, and she said, “My son, do you remember his name?” (Unfortunately, I didn’t). We were of the same name.. She was so thankful to God for giving her this. We ended the conversation with praise, praise, praise to the One who giveth and taketh away..

For me, it is without a doubt I was a dead man. I had a pressing on my heart non-stop about death and fentanyl for days. I knew that if I did the drug, I was going to die. That is why it sat there for days. My flesh wouldn’t allow me to throw it out, “You surely won’t die.. go ahead, eat.. you’ll be better than you were.”

I chose life… but, did I really? I mean I did, but, the lesson isn’t over. It took the hand of God to move in this mannerism. It was in my face, bam! Without this contact from my friend, I may have died tonight. She also received a new perspective, peace, etc after witnessing what just happened. God was present, a help in time of need, but I shouldn’t need that in order to obey that which I knew to not participate in. Lord, I don’t care what it takes.. break me in pieces if necessary to restore my heart. Sin needs to go, help me. In Jesus name, amen. (funny thing happened after I posted this. I started to read an old article that talks about this topic. – http://serious-things.com/eating-liver-sin

He showed me much on this the other day when I lost this little package.. I misplaced it when I was high. smh. I thank God it was lost because I was looking for it the other day with every intention of doing it, and I couldn’t find it. Guess what happened while I was turning around every nook and cranny trying to find it? Literally turning over every stone, on my hands and knees, and I hear something like, “You seek around everywhere, with a sense of urgency, trying to find your sin, but you seek Me half-heartedly? Where’s the urgency? The time is late.”

Anyways… God is good. Indeed the drug is no longer and I’ve repented. My friend is praising God and going to Church on Sunday, she has something to give thanks for. She believes that the sharing of her son’s passing just saved my life.. I do too. Manifold grace of God.. praise the Lord.